Wednesday, March 10, 2010

For those that are still there and reading and being patient with me thank you. Thank you for so many well wishes, and concerns, we are ok...ish. I want to write, I try believe me, and then I delete...and delete again. I feel positive and alive some days, most days even, I can smile, and laugh, and enjoy life, but there are still a lot of tears and sadness.
I feel awkward, this blog used to be filled with joy and colour, becaue thats what my life was, and then it was turned upside down, and turned black for a while, and i don't really know what this blog should be anymore. I have drafted so many posts and prssed delete time and time again. I don't know what to say, how much to share.
That's it really, so take tiny steps with me, and we can perhaps find our space in a colourful world again.
Of course life has to go on, and it has but there is always a Christmas, and a Mothers day and birthdays to get through.

This month is becoming a bit more dificult, its the month she was born and it sometimes feels like yesterday, it would have been my dear little sweet Poppy's 1st birthday. It should have been such a celebration, we will celebrate, and buy her flowers and mourn, and send a balloon up for her. We should have been baking cakes and buying tutu's.

The bright blue skies of the last few weeks help, I walk a lot more now than I ever did, and breathe in fresh air, and look again, and delight at the snowdrops carpeting the forest behind us and wish she was with me so much. But I feel lucky to be alive, and experience another Spring, it is a beautiful month....full of hope, and I feel alive but still I miss her desperately. I am fortunate to live in one of the most beautiful places in the country, surrounded by sea and Mountains, and every day I gasp at the beautiful light over the sea and the changing view. I have a job I love, a gallery that I can stock full of beautiful pieces of jewellery, ceramics, art and crafts. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and is my absolute soulmate. I have a lot.

Poppy was a clever little thing, she has taught me about love. Deep, deep love.

The pain in my heart is incredible it physically hurts but I can also sometimes now think of her and smile through the tears, because she has taught me to love and appreciate life. My beautiful, clever little girl xxxx


smilernpb said...

Oh Janet, my heart goes out to you, it really does. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have gone through this past year.

I wish I could say more, but I can't.

If you do want to talk any time, please feel free to contact me via my blog.

With lots of love, and a whole heap of good wishes to you and your family xxx

kelly said...

i think of you so often janet. i know it must be incredibly hard to put your feelings into words and to share them in this space but i hope it helps. what you have written is truly beautiful...just like your poppy. xX

Naomi said...

Your post was so touching. I am sure your little Poppy is a very special spirit on the other side. I have had experiences in my own life that have turned my life upside down, but have similarly taught me more about love and sacrifice. Thank you for posting.

Cara said...

Janet, it's good to hear from you. I think of you and your family and can't begin to imagine the pain you have all gone through these past months. Sunday, I'm sure will be exceedingly hard on you all.

Poppy may only have been a short while on this earth, but she made a big mark on those she touched physically and those who have felt the depths of your love for her through your blog.

I hope in time, life becomes colourful for you all again. x

a mermaids purse said...

tiny steps are the best steps...each day will bring you a brighter sky and alot more smiles- remembering her beauty and the special moments you spent with her will stay fondly in your write so beautifully of your love for her and all that you miss from her- your heart will always be filled with love for her-my dear friend who lost a one day old boy 'joshy'- she planted an apple tree in his name - it was a wonderful thing for her to do and everytime she looks out she is reminded of her lovely boy ;0)xxxx
best wishes, kazzy xxxx

kirsty said...

Can't find the right is so terribly sad, but glad to read of your positive thoughts. Sending you extra love to help you through this month xx

noelle said...

I don't know what to say really,a touching post. Nice to know you're still there and thinking positively.Love and best wishes to you all x x

Little Brown Rabbit said...

This is such a beautiful post Janet and I'm so pleased that you are staying positive and learning to smile again- Poppy would most definitely want that.

Give it time & you'll know when or if you want to blog again and how much of yourself you want to share so don't let it be a burden- just wait and when the time is right you'll know the answer.

Sending you a BIG hug.

xxx Em

Julia said...

Janet, I cannot begin to imagine what your journey has been like this past year and I think you are very brave to write.

I know from your writing that your little Poppy was a very special soul, a real gift, you write so touchingly it makes my heart ache for your pain.

Sending tiny droplets of colour to you, may each day grow ever brighter, one little step at a time.
My love to you and your family.

Julia x x x

Shropshire Suz said...

Thanks for still being there Janet and sharing your sad journey..think of you often one day you will be back and Poppy will always be with you

A Million Times
You never said I'm leaving
You never said good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

monda-loves said...

You know I think about you often - wondering how you are feeling and whether it's getting easier, or even if that is the right thing to be feeling. It really must be so hard for you.
It's good to hear that you are having those happy moments too and that you can think of your Poppy and smile.

big hugs


Attic24 said...

Dear janet
I've been thinking about you LOADS during this month, sending out invisible clouds of love and strength to pass over your way, hoping you might know that I am thinking of you.
Sending love and hugs, I MISS YOU here in blogland more than I am able to say. I miss your voice and your colour and your creativity and your kind heart. Don't be gone for too long xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

John Foy said...

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I saw you work on my way home from beaumaris. I searchd for your site to find out a little more... I feel deeply for you, and your art brings joy and smiles to all who see. Thank you.

Rebecca said...

Was thinking of you yesterday and hope that Poppy's brightness shone throughout the day.

tracey @ the vintage bothy said...

Hello Janet
I have just found your blog,as a Mother of one I can not imagine your pain I am sorry that I do not know what to say.
I am sure that Poppy is still with you.
Tracey x

julie said...

Sending you much love Janet. i think of you often. xxxx